Some dogs are introverts and that's OK! Not everyone loves strangers

I feel like we put immense pressure on our urban dogs to be sociable with unfamiliar people and dogs. We expect them to not just tolerate these strangers, we expect them to be enthusiastically happy about spending time in close proximity with them, being interacted with, and even touched by them! And if they don't enjoy it, we blame ourselves for not having socialized our dogs enough.

Think of the humans that you know. How many of them like talking to strangers? How many of them like hugs from people they do not know? How many of them willingly seek out interactions with strangers every time they leave the house? Maybe I'm biased - I am not a hugger and I generally want to be left alone when I'm doing errands. It's OK for dogs to feel that way too!

Instead of pressuring my dogs to be super social, I aim for a dog that is neutral about strangers. If they choose to be more social than that, great! That's their choice. If they choose to be less social, I help them to avoid appropriately. Usually this leads to a dog that warms up over time and pushes their own comfort zone without me pestering them to do so.

Obi and Libby supervising the farm behind our old house. They loved to watch but Obi didn't always want to interact.

Neutrality is good!

Instead of aiming for a dog that loves everyone and everything they see, aim for a dog that is neutral or ambivalent about it.

Loving everything a lot actually leads to a lot of frustration-based behaviours and can lead to frustration-based reactivity. It’s also exhausting for you and your dog to navigate an urban space if they experience FOMO (fear of missing out) over every dog/person they must walk by instead of greeting.

Perry is currently 4 months old and he’s struggling with FOMO around new people. He wants to meet them very badly, especially if they talk to him, and he has started pulling towards every person that he sees. While I appreciate his enthusiasm, we live in Ottawa (a city of over 1 million people) and I need him to not chase joggers or cyclists when we’re walking on one of the many paths near our home. Interestingly, he is much more apprehensive around new dogs. He will sit and watch them, happily follow them around, but he’s unsure about direct interaction.

In both of these cases, Notice & Report is one of my main tools. Perry is learning to observe people and report back to me, at which point I may invite him to go greet them. He is also learning to observe new dogs and report back to me without me forcing him to get any closer than he wants to.

4 month old Perry playing Notice & Report outside the grocery store

Strangers don't have to be friends!

Think of how you feel when you’re at the grocery store. Do you want to be approached by every person you see? Do you want to have a long conversation in the checkout line? Some of us just want to get our groceries done and get back to the people and activities that matter to us. Your dog might be like that too!

Obi was very much like this. Even with people he knew well, he was often indifferent when we came across them on the walk. If he saw them at home, he was wiggly and goofy and would bring them his toys. But when we were out and about, he wanted to sniff and he wanted to play ball and he wanted to spend time with me. He struggled more with dogs, especially after being charged by off leash dogs a few times, but he was never really interested in wrestling with dogs other than Libby. Obi’s favourite form of interaction with other dogs was to hunt squirrels together and that was reserved for dogs he knew very well.

Leash greetings are awkward!

A lot of dogs struggle with greeting other dogs on leash. Think of it this way - you’re meeting someone new but you’re wearing a straightjacket so you can’t shake hands or wave. What do you do? How do you feel? I know I would feel tense, awkward, and insecure (more so than usual). For many dogs, it’s easier to Notice & Report as you pass by them.

Even Libby, who was my most socially resilient dog and who helped me create my semi-private reactivity lesson strategies, felt a little weird doing leash greetings. She loved to wrestle and was friendly with strange dogs even if they were a bit awkward but she clearly preferred off leash interactions where she had the freedom to move as she needed to. She sometimes had a bit of FOMO about not getting to say hi but luckily Notice & Report helped replace her leash biting antics with a much calmer series of glances.

Libby staying in a calm sit and watching someone walk by without greeting her.

Training Strategies

Slow introductions with respectful people

If you want to introduce your dog to a person that you care about and want them to enjoy being around, I suggest you start with the following strategies:

• Go for a walk with the person at a safe enough distance from your dog for your dog to be comfortable with them. Play Notice & Report with your dog as you walk.

  • If your dog is calm or show sniffing interest then you can get slightly closer to the person. Coach your person to ignore your dog and focus on you instead.

• Hang out in the living room with the person. If your dog is likely to lunge or overcommit, put your dog on a leash. Play Settle on a Mat or Notice & Report with your dog.

  • If your dog is calm or showing sniffing interest, you can switch to Treat & Retreat where you the safe person mark when your dog approaches the person and then you reward at your own feet so your dog returns to safety.

• Keep the duration short! If your dog is comfortable being left alone, do a short 5-10 min visit with the person and then put your dog in their comfortable space with something delicious to chew on. If they are not comfortable being alone, end the visit with the person before your dog gets overwhelmed.

Slow introductions with respectful dogs

If you and a friend want to introduce your dogs but one or both of them are shy, here are some of the strategies I suggest:

• Go for a parallel walk together where you walk in the same direction across the road from each other and play Notice & Report. If your dogs are calm or showing sniffing interest then you can get slightly closer together

  • If you are worried, stay apart! Keep working until you feel comfortable and confident.

  • You can also do this with a fence between you like at a baseball diamond

• Hang out in the living room with your dogs on leash and play Settle on a Mat or Notice & Report. If your dogs are calm or showing sniffing interest then you can get slightly closer together

  • If you are worried, stay apart! Keep working until you feel comfortable and confident.

  • You can always put a baby gate up between the dogs to add a sense of security

• Hire a trainer to be your eyes & ears and to help you notice your dog’s body language so that you can make adjustments more confidently.

4 month old Perry following along with friends and their polite adult dog.

Remember - it’s OK for your dog to be introverted! Forcing your dog out of their comfort zone is more likely to backfire than supporting them in being themselves. Once they feel safe, they will be able to choose to be brave and expand their own comfort zones.

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